Imagine asking a young couple what inspired them to choose each other as life partners and they both go on about how much they’ve sacrificed and done for each other throughout their relationship. I heard people even talking about their spouse emptying their savings and taking loans to help them start businesses. How do you not marry such a person after all that sacrifice right? In this article, we take a step back to reflect on free will, sacrifice and love from another point of view, one that might answer questions of how people suddenly fall out of love with or dishonour someone who has sacrificed so much for them. What do you make out of a lifelong commitment based on a sense of obligation, as opposed to selfless love?
I remember the day a friend of mine introduced her spouse to my dad. He asked, “So why do you two want to get married?” while her answer was about all he had done for her, His was simply “because I love her”. My dad turned to my friend and asked again “Why do you want to marry him?” and with such a huge smile she said, “Above all the wonderful things he’s done for me, I simply love him.” At this point, my dad smiled gave his blessings and prayed for the new couple.
I have come to notice that most people’s idea of increasing their chances of marriage or maintaining a long-committed relationship, is by sacrificing so much that the other person feels completely indebted to them “my investment in the relationship”. The ripple effect nevertheless has become a pandemic. We hear stories of women building from scratch with a man investing so much time, personal gratification, finance, etc. in men who end up breaking their hearts. What about the men who have trained women, sent them to school, better societies, startup businesses, etc. yet these women end up leaving them for “true love?” These scenarios beg me to question, are people just evil and ungrateful users or could there be a hint of frustration from lording one’s sacrifices over their partners? As much as the former is true to the extent that in life, there are people who have chosen to harden their hearts with the fickle justification of a need to survive the harsh realities of life or simply to gain earthly pleasures. The latter, on the other hand, is one we often fail to consider.
“Love expressed through the power of Freewill is the ability to give people the freedom to make their own choices and in return the ability to consistently choose to love someone or something, truly and sincerely.” ASJ
In this article, we will be focusing on the power of free will as a fundamental gift/expression of love. Love expressed through the power of free will, is the ability to give people the freedom to make their own choices and in return the ability to consistently choose to love someone or something, truly and sincerely. Note how agape love is important in this text. I believe, that when we make sacrifices for those we claim to love, those sacrifices should not become strategies for control or an uncertain/ unclear transaction with no value or measure for accountability. I say this because no one can truly be stripped of their ability to choose freely or express their true will, it may be suppressed for a while, but their true intentions will always surface. Therefore, sacrifice as a strategy will almost always set one up for disappointment in the long run. True sacrifice in love should be done selflessly.
Let us also look at the point of view of a person burdened by another’s “sacrifice of love”, lorded over them, with expectations unending. The sacrifice indeed turns into bondage, this is what we know as guilt-tripping, they become afraid or too conscious about expressing their true feelings because they feel they owe the other person something of equal value. Imagine the burden of entering a transaction that benefited you, but you were not sure if it was your true intention to enter such a transaction because of what it would cost you. You start paying for something you’re not sure you wanted to buy in the first place. Another great illustration of how marketing works, you are given the taste of the benefit of a product and before you know it when you commit to the product you have to deal with hidden costs you didn’t bargain for and then you start to regret committing to that product. When you’re sold on buying these awesome pair of shoes and after the first few days of wearing them and getting all the compliments you realize how uncomfortable they are, but you can’t return them because frankly you’ve worn them a few times and done a photoshoot with them as well, now you’re compelled to complete the payment for something you no longer have value for. Subconsciously, this is who we become when we make self-serving sacrifices and when the other person rebels. The person who sacrifices, most often becomes bitter angry and disappointed, finding it hard to let go of the pain of failed expectations.
Does this mean that we should go around making sacrifices of love with absolutely no expectation? I can categorically say the answer is no. However, I’ve heard some of the most outlandish expectations placed on people in various kinds of relationships, including who they can be friends with, who to speak to, and to what extent they can be polite or kind to other people who are not your spouse, etc. To be frank I think these expectations stem from the need for control and one’s insecurities.
I believe that a way to set expectations without imposing insecurities on people is by setting clear conditions and expectations for your gifts/ sacrifices, as opposed to using them as bait.
Some statements that count as setting clear expectations include statements such as:
- “I’m going to leave my job and help you build your vision, however, I expect that I would be an equal partner with you, if not you have the choice of walking away and doing it without me.”
- “I will leave my job, be a stay-at-home mum and look after the family, in return I expect you to provide for me and make me feel valued.”
- “I’ll put my 100% into this relationship however I’m expecting that we are both walking towards the goal of marriage.”
- “I’ll cut down on my social life to be more committed to the family, however, I expect that you do the same if that is what you want.”
- “I’m happy to trust you and respect all your friendships, including those of the opposite sex. However, I expect that you set boundaries that make me feel loved and respected” Etc.
Open honest communication of expectation is by far better than saying, “Oh no I’m just doing it because I love you” and then you turn around to say, “You don’t do this or that after all I’ve done for you.” This statement always feels to me like gaslighting and straight-up manipulation. Expectations vary depending on:
- Who you are expecting from? There would be varying degrees of expectation from children, spouses, other family members, staff and collogues, etc.
- What are you expecting? Are your expectations outlandish, manipulative, or narcissistic?
- What values are those expectations based on? Are they based on pure selfishness or are they based on love and selflessness?
I have come to learn that the ultimate reward of love and sacrifice is God who is Love himself. He even goes as far as doing above and beyond what we expect, yet the question is if He were to lord His expectations of how we ought to pay Him for all His love and sacrifice, who would claim to be worthy of those sacrifices? Who can claim that on their own they have met His expectations? For this reason, God Himself had to die for us so that we do not have the burden of meeting those expectations, but by His blood, those expectations have been met for our sake and we can love him freely and truly without having a chip on our shoulders.
In the scriptures, there is so much revelation hidden openly about how life works. I am convinced that scriptures when studied in spirit and truth (mediation, focus and connection to once true essence) are the ultimate self-help book. Although many have not come to the full discernment of this truth, self-help books and articles such as this are used to simplify these truths for the benefit of everyone who reads them.
Now I’ll take you on a journey through the truth hidden in scriptures, with regards to the power of free will as an essential gift of love.
Introduction: getting to know the lover
God shows mankind His love from the moment He made man (Genesis 2: 7). no one can claim to have given more or made more sacrifices than God who is Love itself. Understanding God is understanding love. So, I’ll take this next paragraph to reference Love Himself.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” 1 John 4:16b NIV. See also, 1 John 4:7-8 NIV.
The Gift of Freewill (Genesis 2:16-17): God gave mankind the gift of freewill by presenting man with Choices.
- 1st, the choice of expressing our love through obedience (free will as power). By placing the fruit of good and evil in the garden of Eden and by instructing Adam not to eat of that tree, He expresses His love by giving Adam the power of choice (Freewill) to choose to love Him in obedience. He could have simply made humans poppets and there would be no need for that tree. If He did that, we would have no sense of identity and purpose. Life would have been a boring routine for us and God. There would be no true feeling of being loved or in love.
- 2nd, the choice to constantly choose good (Free will as a responsibility). Even as Adam and Eve chose to disobey and come to the knowledge of good and evil, we are now burdened with the responsibility to always choose good. Therefore we face difficulties of internal conflict and constant decision making. I always imagine what life would be like if Adam and Eve had not eaten the apple if they just made that one right decision to obey. Perhaps humans would not need constant decision-making as the most important decision would have been made already. However, since we chose to know more, we also chose to decide more and the enemy uses this as his weapon of manipulation, by constantly dangling the choice of evil in our minds. In another article, we will discuss the battlefield of the mind and how to conquer the enemy’s strategy of luring us to constantly choose evil.
- Finally, when we fail to choose good there’s always a 3rd choice for repentance and forgiveness. To forgive ourselves and to forgive others. Even after the realization that man will never be able to redeem Himself, God still in our filth made the ultimate sacrifice of death on the cross. He still does not guilt trip us with this sacrifice, instead He calls us and encourages us to choose to accept that gift and to walk in love. “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40 NIV
God is always open about His expectations of us, and He gives us the power and responsibility to choose to meet those expectations. “This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings, and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God…” Deuteronomy 30:19-20 NIV
Reflection
Let us take some time to self-evaluate. Look deeper and more critically at the way we treat those we are in relationship with, the way we set hidden expectations on them based on sacrifices we’ve made, the way we guilt trip them into behaving a certain way that pleases us, with no recourse to how they feel or what they truly want. Unfortunately, we might find traits of narcissism, manipulation and gaslighting in our approach to giving and sacrificing.
It is important to allow people’s true conscience to be their motivation. Godly conviction will always lead to life but worldly conviction will lead to death (frustration, death of relationship, death to peace of mind) 2 Corinthians 7:10 “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death”
It is always better to know that our relationships are based on the foundation of free will as opposed to manipulation. It is important to know that those that we have in our corner are there because they love us and not only because of what we’ve done for them but because of who we are. This is how God expects us to love Him, not just because of all He can offer us, but more importantly because of how awesome we know He is.
And so, in Love, I ask,
To you whom free will has been gifted,
With every choice you make,
With every path you take,
What are you really choosing?
How are you coming back to love and reconciliation?
With yourself and with your lover.
Remember you can’t give what you don’t have. I love because of who 1st Loved me.
Thank you for walking this journey with me,
All my Love,
ASJ